I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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