we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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