i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
