There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
