she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Reggie can tackle my bush.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
