I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Randomize
