you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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