Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
