is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
