he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
