i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
