I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Randomize
