i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
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