will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
