I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize