I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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