your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
BRING THE BAGELS
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Randomize
