so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Randomize
