When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
