Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
