I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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