im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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