I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
worst night to have a conscience
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
