you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I've blown a few things in my day
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Life is so much better after having sex.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
