You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Randomize
