You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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