I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
