I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
