Fine. I'll sleep in my office
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
