I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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