Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
