Those balls look pretty dangerous.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
