I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize