Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize