he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
