My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
