somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
