I'm laying in your front yard are you home
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
