The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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