I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Randomize
