i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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