can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
God I need to hump something, right now.
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