Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize