Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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