I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
