who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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