What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
