All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
