No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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