You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
