I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
