I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
