I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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