By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
my mouth tastes like poor choices
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize