I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
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