My underwear smells like fireworks.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
