I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
