A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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