when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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