cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
