i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
